


the words, they are too much

by lifewasradical



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ashton forgets Luke's birthday, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, I don't know if its actually angst but I'll leave it, I genuinely don't know what else to tag for this it is stupid and self indulgent, M/M, uh maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27342895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifewasradical/pseuds/lifewasradical
Summary: When looking at the bigger picture, Luke knew birthdays really didn’t matter much. It was a simple celebration of gaining another year, another trip around the sun that might make you a little wiser than you were the year before. He knew most people didn’t put as much stock in them as he did, it’s just that Luke liked the theatrics of it all, a day all for him to be fawned over and adored.Or, Ashton doesn't say Happy Birthday to Luke.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 51





	the words, they are too much

**Author's Note:**

> Wow look another self-indulgent Lashton fic where I project onto Luke, hmmmm. 
> 
> No but I've had this sitting around since my birthday and I finally finished it tonight, so I wanted to post it before I forgot about it again. 
> 
> Title from Thin White Lies because I was listening to it on repeat while finishing this.

When looking at the bigger picture, Luke knew birthdays really didn’t matter much. It was a simple celebration of gaining another year, another trip around the sun that might make you a little wiser than you were the year before. He knew most people didn’t put as much stock in them as he did, it’s just that Luke liked the theatrics of it all, a day all for him to be fawned over and adored.

He liked the assorted friends, family, and assorted acquaintances coming out of the woodwork to wish him the best, a reminder that he existed, and others thought of him, even if it was only because of a social media platform reminding them of their social obligation. The superficial greetings were acceptable to Luke, a reminder of some of the lives he had touched in all his days of interactions.

Luke always strived to make everyone else feel loved and appreciated on their birthdays, no matter what else was happening on that day. He could be on a plane traveling from Australia to New York and he would still find the time to share his appreciation for whoever it was that the day celebrated.

He spent hours crafting the perfect message for each person who meant something in his life, taking the time to highlight some of their more personal memories, laced into heartfelt words. He was the friend who posted on every social media account, emphasizing the good times and shenanigans that he has gotten up to with whatever person he was making a shrine to, wanting them to feel as important as they should on such a significant day in their lives.

Birthdays weren’t the end of the world, but Luke loved to put so much emphasis on them, so all he wanted was a little bit of acknowledgement in return. It didn’t have to be a huge ordeal from others, he would just like to be reminded that he is important to the critical people in his life. Sue him if that makes him a bad person.

Even though he tried to remind himself that everyone didn’t always have the same outlook on birthdays he did, he couldn’t help that he was human and had emotions.

He’d heard from most of the important people in his life at some point throughout the day. His family called in from Australia early in the morning, struggling through the time differences year after year. Michael and Calum posted excessive cringe worthy pictures on Instagram, making Luke light up with appreciation for his friends indulging him with their public love.

He got all the way to 11:45 pm on July 16th floating on that cloud before doubts started to kick around in his brain.

Because he made it to 11:45 at night and Ashton hadn’t said happy birthday to him.

Ashton, his best friend, someone who he cared so deeply about and showered with praise and appreciation on his own birthday just a week or two before, didn’t say a single thing to Luke all day. Hell, Ashton had gotten an Instagram _and_ twitter post, along with a very heartfelt text message that may have stepped over the line of too friendly just a little too much. 

Luke knew Ashton truly didn’t owe him anything, there was no written rule that said he had to say anything to Luke on his birthday. There was a small sliver of hope that he held onto, wishing on birthday candles that Ashton would someday confess to feeling the same way Luke did, that the stolen glances and private smiles meant just as much to him as they did to Luke.

The silence from Ashton solidified his wish as being nothing more than thoughts blowing away with the billowing smoke, embers flaring from his breath.

Luke mentally acknowledged he was being dramatic as Ashton had in fact said something to him, a simple text reminding him that he needed to sign the posters for their merch bundles.

Luke responded with a simple okay, hoping that Ashton would follow up with some other message, some other indication that he remembered what day it was. But as the day progressed, Ashton’s absence had been more and more noticeable.

  
Luke liked to believe he was worth a “hbd” or at least _something_ to acknowledge that he was a year older, that he had survived another year of breathing. There was a point where Luke didn’t think he was going to make it to 21 let alone 24, a fact that Ashton knew all too well, so it was even more upsetting to have that diminished to not even being worth a simple text message.

Luke just wanted to feel important.

So as the clock struck midnight, officially no longer July 16th, Luke felt defeated, heart beating a little slower at the confirmation that Luke didn’t mean as much to Ashton as Ashton meant to him.

* * *

Luke lasted four days before he finally was forced to acknowledge the weight on his chest.

For days, Luke pretended like everything was mostly okay. He was blatantly ignoring Ashton, never responding to any texts, only utilizing the band group chat to talk to Michael and Calum, pointedly never responding directly to Ashton. A small part of him hoped that Ashton would feel the chill of being cast aside, prompting him to reach out to Luke first.

Sure, it was petty, but Luke was hurt. After countless years living out of Ashton’s back pocket, harboring the smallest fragments of a crush, not being acknowledged on his birthday hurt.

He contained that aggravation for as long as he could, eventually coming face to face with his issue in the bathroom at the studio they were working from, Michael and Luke working on lyrics while Ashton and Calum were in a different room tracking parts of another song.

“Hey Luke,” Ashton offered casually, nodding at the other man at the sink as he walked towards the stall.

“Hi.”

Ashton was taken back by Luke’s bluntness as he never was the one to instigate negative behaviors. “Is everything okay?” he asked cautiously, tapping his fingers along his thigh while staring Luke down.

Luke scoffed, shaking his head slightly with rolled eyes. “Oh everything is just wonderful, yeah, it’s amazing,” Luke replied, sarcasm lacing every word he spoke, drying his hands on a paper towel. 

“Are you sure?” Ashton tried again, eyes squinting as he tried to figure out what had Luke so riled up.

“You forgot my birthday,” Luke blurted out, quickly scrubbing at the skin below his eyes in annoyance at himself for not being able to hold out longer. The dull stinging sensation of the pull on his skin reiterated the longing pain he had been feeling for days, bottled up and forgotten in the midst of all the other anger.

For a beat, Ashton said nothing, while the look of guilt stained his face. Luke could see the anxiety clear as day as Ashton tried to figure out what to say to make it better. The silence sat heavily between them, Luke refusing to let himself get visibly upset by Ashton and Ashton unsure where to go next. 

“I didn’t forget it,” Ashton offered, shrinking in on himself when Luke laughed bitterly.

“Oh okay, so you didn’t forget, instead you purposely avoided it?” Luke seethed, more frustrated than anything.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton said, sighing heavily. “I didn’t really mean to, I just… it got overwhelming.”

“Overwhelming? Forgetting to talk to your best friend on his birthday was overwhelming? A simple ‘Happy Birthday, Luke!’ was too overwhelming for you?” Luke asserted, crossing his arms in determination. “Sorry I’m such a burden on you,” Luke continued, turning on his heel to leave the bathroom. 

“For fucks sake Luke, you’re not a burden,” Ashton called after him.

“Then how the fuck did you forget my birthday! You literally _texted_ to me on the day, how the hell could you ignore it after so many damn years of friendship?”

Ashton stared down at the tiled floor, refusing to meet Luke’s heaving stare. “Jesus Christ, I hate you,” Luke spit, turning again to leave the confined space, nearly tripping over the toe of his boots in an effort to get away from Ashton as soon as possible.

“Luke, wait, please,” Ashton tried, but Luke pretended that he couldn’t hear the other man, too busy willing the tears to find their way back into his eyes. He was angry with himself for even crying over something as trivial as a birthday, but Ashton had a way of getting under Luke’s skin in a way that no one else could. Ashton pulled the strongest emotions from Luke, for better or worse.

Luke all but slammed the door to his car once he left the building, refusing to feel guilty about his exchange of emotions, focused instead on making sure that he could keep it together until he was safely under the covers of his own bed. He sent a quick text to Michael that he was leaving, a weak excuse of an upset stomach holding him back from fulfilling their band requirements for the day.

He drove home on autopilot, fueled by rage mixed with the stinging sensation of being faced by his worst fears, rejection from Ashton. He wanted to mean something to Ashton, something more than the threads of friendship that were quickly being severed with every passing day.

Arriving back at his house, Luke kicked off his shoes, throwing them against the wall in a fit of anger, temporarily clouding the intense pain in his chest. He wanted to rip his lungs out of his chest, to forget how to breathe long enough to stop his heart from beating, to forget the vibrations of betrayal from taking permanent residency there.

How was he supposed to move past this? Ashton knew how important birthdays were to Luke, as Luke was always the one who went over the top, long winded paragraphs and social media posts and a combination of multiple extravagant gifts to show his love and adoration for whoever he was celebrating.

He wanted everyone to feel special on their birthday, to know how loved they were. All he asked for in return was at a least a simple message, a fucking “happy birthday, man” would have done it, but instead he received absolutely nothing but silence from Ashton, from the one man who he wanted to hear from every single day.

Petunia crawled out from wherever she had been napping, trotting over to Luke with an inquisitive look on her face. It was as if she knew Luke would be unable to stay mad in her presence as he sunk to the floor in the front entryway with his girl.

“Oh P, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just let it go,” Luke grumbled, scruffing up the fur around Petunia’s collar. She simply sniffed his wrists in response, tongue lazily hanging from her mouth.

Luke stood up off the floor after a while, deciding to spend the rest of the day holed up on the couch watching mind numbing television in place of reaching out to anyone about his absence. He was sure he would have some pissed off messages from management, asking why he skipped out on an important session day, but he didn’t really care enough about their frustration.

He flicked through endless shows, unable to keep his thoughts on anything for more than a few minutes at a time, overthinking every interaction he’d ever had with Ashton. He thought back to lingering touches on arms and shoulders before shows, tiny glances down to lips and back up to eyes, to prolonged visits at each other’s houses, never wanting to leave each other’s presence.

Luke thought about his own birthday post for Ashton weeks before, telling the whole world how much he loved the other man, thanking Ashton for being his anchor, for not letting him drift too far out to sea. He shared their fondest memories in the form of images on Instagram, sold out tours in international cities and secret nights on long drives down the coast.

He felt like a fool for putting his heart out on the line, under the thinly veiled cover of posting about his best friend. Luke wished he could go back to July 7th and undo all his posts and share nothing, making Ashton feel the same way that he felt in that moment, irrelevant and insecure.

Part of him wished Ashton would come barging in the front door, apologizing for all of his wrongdoings and whisk him away, promises of forever. The rational part of him knew that it would never happen, that Ashton was too proud to ever admit he was wrong.

He wallowed in the regret of telling Ashton he hated him, knowing it was the furthest thing from the truth, though the ache in his chest reminded him more and more of hate with every passing day. He promised himself that he wouldn’t get in this deep, would spend 24 forgiving, forgetting, and moving on, a sentiment that lasted no more than a week before being broken down by Ashton.

* * *

Luke lasted another five days of ignoring Ashton before Calum and Michael intervened.

He was ambushed, having spent the past few days holed up in his house pretending that nothing existed outside of his walls. He hadn’t shaved in a while, still wearing the same clothes that he had worn to the studio the last time he saw Ashton. Overall, he knew he looked pitiful, but he had put himself in enough of a funk that he didn’t even care about showering.

Michael burst through the front door, startling Petunia enough to send her into a fit of barking.

“Hush up, P,” Michael responded, taking a moment to pet her before following her into the living room where he knew Luke would be. Calum came in softer, calling for Luke to announce their presence, though Michael had already done so through throwing open the door.

“Alright, I’m sick of you blowing us off, what’s your issue?” Michael demanded, sitting on the couch next to Luke.

“Hi to you too, “ Luke muttered under his breath, shifting around on the couch uncomfortably.

“What did you do to Ashton?” Michael continued, staring Luke down.  
  
“Michael maybe you shouldn’t attack him like that,” Calum offered, sitting on the floor with Petunia.

“No, fuck that, Ashton is moping and I want to know what Luke did to him!” Michael demanded, folding his hands together on his lap as he leaned towards Luke.

A small part of Luke was selfishly happy that he made Ashton upset, thinking how it served him right for making him feel like shit on the one day of the year solely dedicated to Luke. The larger, more people serving portion of Luke hated that he made Ashton have any negative emotions, having half a mind to leave his house right now in favor of seeking out the other man.

“He didn’t say Happy Birthday,” Luke quietly shared, biting down on his lip, “which I know isn’t something I should really be mad at but it just hurt a bit, you know? But I told him that it pissed me off, he said that it was overwhelming, and I said I hated him. It was… a lot.”

  
Michael stopped to ponder the comment for a while, not expecting that to be the reason Luke shared. Calum tried to ignore the whole situation, obviously not looking at Luke or Michael as he scratched at Petunia.

“Oh that’s… not what I thought happened,” Michael finally said, a thoughtful look on his face as he decided what to do next.

“Is he really that upset?” Luke asked, fiddling with the rings on his fingers.

“Well he looked pissed when he came back into the studio whatever day that was, but he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. Now he’s just acting like you, ignoring everyone and not responding to messages,” Calum responded, “but if that’s what he did to you, then he kinda deserves to feel bad.”

“Yeah I mean you’re right, you have every right to be pissed off. I would be too, if one of you didn’t say something to me,” Michael added, nodding along with his statement.

“I didn’t want him to feel bad about it, I just wanted him to know that it hurt. Bad. It’s just a birthday, but he knows what birthdays mean to me,” Luke said, pulling the blanket a little tighter around his waist.

“Nah fuck that, he deserves to feel guilty,” Michael agreed, kicking his feet up on the coffee table.

“Maybe I should talk to him?” Luke questioned aloud, every fiber of his being pushing against the thought of being confrontational, especially after what happened the last time that he saw Ashton face to face.

“Only if that will make you feel better,” Calum supplied, forever the voice of reason when no one else was able to.

Luke nodded, unsure of what would actually make him feel any better in this moment. There was no way to turn back time, no way to restart this and go about it better, so he was stuck trying to figure out how to salvage the relationship, especially after saying something as stupid as “I hate you” in the heat of the moment.

* * *

It took Luke at least another eight hours of debating to figure out what he was going to do. Knowing that Ashton was torn up made him feel nothing but guilt, wanting to apologize for making a big deal of the situation, to take back everything he said.

Luke arrived at Ashton’s house slightly after midnight, thankful to see the lights still on in the living room. He never arrived unannounced, but knew he had to do so if he wanted to keep his nerves long enough.

He carried himself to the front door and hesitated before knocking softly, hoping that it was enough to catch Ashton’s attention.

The door creaked open a few moments later, revealing Ashton is a very similar state to the one Luke had been in for days. He looked distraught, clearly not taking care of himself well enough.

  
“Lu?” Ashton asked after a moment of tense silence.

“Can I… c-come in?” Luke stuttered, already feeling the panic settle into his bones at the thought of facing his problems head on.

  
Ashton stepped aside, welcoming Luke into his space. Luke felt like a stranger in his best friend’s house, waiting for direction from Ashton before moving.

They took up residency in the living room, an awkward air around them that never clouded their existence. Neither one wanted to be the first to speak, to break the wall that had been put up between them in the past few days of not speaking.

It was the longest they had gone without proper communication and now Luke was uncomfortable moving forward, unsure how to bridge the gap between them.

“Look I’m sorry,” Luke started, pausing when Ashton shot him a confused look.

“You’re sorry? You literally have nothing to be sorry for,” Ashton said, shaking his head adamantly. “I’m the one who is sorry, I fucked everything up.”

Luke sat in silence, digesting Ashton’s thoughts.

“You know how much birthdays mean to me,” Luke whispered, suddenly unsure of his own voice.

“That’s what made it even harder, I kept thinking about what to say, what I could possibly share that would pay enough of a tribute to you. You love to make sure everyone feels special on their birthday and I couldn’t even do that for you,” Ashton said, running a hand down his face.

“I would have taken just a simple happy birthday though,” Luke said, frustration evident on his face.

  
“I spent hours, like literally hours, writing and rewriting what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t get anything that got close enough to my feelings for you. Nothing felt special enough to share. So instead I fucked it up by not saying anything. Luke I’m so sorry, I don’t even know what to say, I’m sorry you hate me for it now,” Ashton finished, taking a deep breath.

Luke paused for a moment, taking in what Ashton had to say. The words seemed genuine and it looked like he had been beating himself up about it for days based on the purple bags under his eyes and the scruff lining his face.

“I don’t hate you, you know that,” Luke quickly said, reaching across the couch to put a hand on Ashton’s knee.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did,” Ashton said under his breath, body sagging with a heavy sigh.

“Don’t try to make me feel bad about being mad,” Luke spit, suddenly remembering the fire that sat within him, “I won’t let you manipulate me into feeling guilty for having emotions.”

“No, that’s not what I’m trying to do, I promise,” Ashton quickly backpedaled, wide eyed, “Luke I honestly don’t know how to make it up to you, you’re one of the most important people in my life and I fucked up badly, I just want us to be okay again.”

Luke scooted closer to Ashton, slinging an arm around his shoulder to bring him in for a hug. Ashton’s hand rubbed up Luke’s shoulder blade, sending warmth racing through his body.

“I forgive you, I just. I’m sad about it, still. I don’t know how to get past it,” Luke offered, head still resting on Ashton’s shoulder.

“I could tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me every hour for the rest of the year and it still wouldn’t even begin to cover how sorry I am and how much I want to make it up to you,” Ashton admitted, squeezing Luke tighter for a moment before releasing slowly.

A different kind of tension rose in the room, electricity racing between the two in their close proximity. One short move would bring the two together, their heads close enough to close the gap easily.

Luke’s heart raced, wanting to be the one to make a move, but unwilling to fuck up their friendship even more on his own selfish desire. His stomach flipped, landing unsettlingly back in its place while his brain willed him to make a move.

Instead, Ashton leaned forward slightly, pressing his lips to Luke’s just enough to throw him out of his daydream, the warm pressure shocking his body. Luke let out a little surprised noise, hands moving forwards to wrap around Ashton’s wrist, tethering him to reality. Ashton kissed slowly, unsure of his movements in a way that Luke had never seen before, used to the confidence Ashton always radiated.

Too soon, Ashton pulled away, gasping for breath with wide eyes. “Fuck, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” Ashton rushed out, eyes wide in shock.

“I, uh, I didn’t mind it?” Luke offered, biting at his lip unconsciously.

Ashton let out a breath, a small smile gracing his face as he blushed at the younger man across from him. “I wanted my birthday post to say something about how much I love you, but I wasn’t sure how I would be able to put my emotions out into words.”

Luke grinned, elation taking the place where the emptiness used to lie, the disappointment melting into something much more pleasant. “I think this more than makes up for it,” Luke breathed, tilting his head up a little in hopes that Ashton would get the message.

Ashton laughed, turning his head down to meet Luke’s, effectively pushing the negative thoughts out of both of their heads, at least for the time being. Ashton paused, lips just about to touch Luke’s, “I’m not kidding though, I will be telling you how much I love and adore you every hour for as long as you’ll have me,” Ashton whispered into the space.

“Just shut up and kiss me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Talk to me on Tumblr [lifewasradical](https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com)


End file.
